Clothes

I have decided that women's winter clothing is designed to keep us cold. At the least, the fancy clothes are. I have 1, maybe 2, long-sleeved shirts for church. The rest are short sleeve, with one being sleeveless. And last night, I was picturing a sleigh ride through the snow, all dressed up, but I realized that evening gowns rarely have sleeves, and I could think of none with long sleeves. So I realized it would be a very cold sleigh ride. And today, I was looking at clothes online at Forever 21, and there wasn't a single long-sleeved dressy shirt. And often they are made of silk, which is not know for being particularly warm. And even casual shirts that are long-sleeved aren't very warm. Old Navy is a particular offender, making shirts so thin you can almost see through them.

What is the purpose of wearing such cold clothing? What do they hope to accomplish by making such clothing? It is so we can still show off skin in the dead of winter? No thank you! I like to stay warm. To do so, I have taken to wearing multiple jackets, a scarf, gloves, tights, knee-high socks, and whatever else I can find to keep me warmer. Sometimes this includes a boyfriend, which makes me quite happy. Unfortunately, we can't do some things we usually do due to the cold weather, which has me shivering quite a bit sometimes, making me want to curl into a ball. Fortunately for him though, I like to snuggle up against him for warmth.

I can think of no other reasons, and certainly no good reasons, why winter clothes aren't warmer. I suppose it will remain a mystery.

Bad Dream

This morning, I had a horrible dream.

I dreamed I was in a high school class, but one of my college teachers was a student in there. For some reason, I had my AP English essays and scores from the test, and that sparked a conversation with another student about AP classes. My college teacher, Karen Robinson, heard us, and took me out of the room. Apparently I was supposed to turn in my AP stuff to her, even though she wasn't my teacher for either AP English or AP Bio. I asked her if I should turn my AP Bio stuff into T. McGee, my teacher, and she basically told me that T. McGee is a bad teacher,so no, I should give it to her.

Then she made me do this exercise. I don't remember it very well, but it involved me jumping on rocks or something and trying to get something. It was really cool, and pretty fun. When the exercise was over, I had become brainwashed basically. I was going to go on a trip with a bunch of other people she had brainwashed. Then my boyfriend and best friend showed up. My boyfriend tried to get me to go somewhere else with him, somewhere better and safer, but I was brainwashed, so I didn't want to go. I wanted to go with these other people, but I didn't want to leave him. So I was going to have him come with us. But I was rather conflicted on what to do. For some reason, I thought I was on the phone with him in real life while I was dreaming. So he's talking to me on the phone, and in the dream. When I proved rather unresponsive to him (because I was conflicted and didn't know what to do; I was trying to think it out), he said I was talking to him like we weren't dating, or hadn't been dating. He broke up with me over the phone. I was devastated. I tried sending him bumper stickers on facebook telling him I'm sorry and I want him back,but he didn't respond. Thankfully my best friend was there to hug me and try to comfort me. Then I got word that because I wanted to bring him on the trip, I can't go. So now I'm stuck where I am, with no boyfriend. I had lost everything I wanted at that moment.

Waking up, I realized it was a dream, but the feeling of sadness over losing him hasn't left. I know he isn't gone, especially since I got an email from him this morning, but I can't help but feel depressed and lonely. I miss him sooo much right now.

I turned on my depressing break up music, and February Song by Josh Groban came on. The lyrics pretty much describe how I feel right now, and if I was still dreaming, I would want to send him the lyrics to tell him how I feel.


Where has that old friend gone
Lost in a February song
Tell him it won't be long
Til he opens his eyes, opens his eyes
Where is that simple day
Before colors broke into shades
And how did I ever fade
Into this life, into this life

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
When all that I've known is lost and found
I promise you I, I'll come back to you one day

Morning is waking up
And sometimes it's more than just enough
When all that you need to love
Is in front of your eyes
It's in front of your eyes

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
Sometimes it's hard to find the ground
Cause I keep on falling as I try to get away
From this crazy world

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
When all that I've known is lost and found
I promise you I, I'll come back to you one day

Where has that old friend gone
Lost in a February song
Tell him it won't be long
Til he opens his eyes
Opens his eyes

Jeanne d'Arc

This is a poem I have to perform.



Jeanne d'Arc
by Susan Ludvigson


To be chosen--


my small body rejoices
at the words,
encases itself in silver
more lovely than silk.

Not to stay in the village
and marry the miller,
his babies heavy in my arms
as loaves of bread--

not to be God's bride
dressed in the long black robe
I've secretly names a shroud.
needing always to chasten myself
for my shimmering dreams--

but Christ's innocent mistress,
Lily of war!
Still, I can scarcely believe
how each time I speak
the sky brightens.

When the voice first came
from behind the dark trees
I sat for a long time, trebling,
Now my skin
burns, imagining how it will be,
the horse between my thighs,
a thousand men behind me
singing.

Wish You Were Here

I always forget how much it sucks hanging out with couples. It leaves you feeling empty inside, even more so when you know how it feels to be filled. It was wonderful spending time with my adopted big brother and getting to meet his girlfriend, but when Greta turned to me and said she missed Daniel, I told her I completely understand. I was feeling the same way, only about a different guy, of course. :)

Today is worse. I am completely alone now. At least yesterday I had another single friend with me, and Daniel wasn't there to make it worse. But today, I don't even have Greta to give me a hug and make it a bit better for a while. I can only look forward to the next time I will see him.

Poem

So, this is the first poem I've ever written that rhymes. And it also doesn't suck. :) At least, I don't think so, especially compared to my other poems. I might tweak it a bit more, but here's the first draft:


Dancing and twirling, you spin me around
I smile with joy for the love that I’ve found.
Thinking you cared the way that you said
I never dreamed it one day would end.

Now as I look back, I see the fun times.
Dancing and cuddling, it was simply sublime.
You were there when I needed you, till that fateful day
When you decided to go away.

What happened to you? Where did you go?
Where is that boy I used to know?
He slid away, in the blink of an eye
Leaving me with hardly a goodbye.




Oh, it is currently nameless. Any ideas?

He was a boy
She was a girl
Can I make it anymore obvious?
He was a punk.
And she did ballet.
What more can I say?
He wanted her.
She'd never tell, but secretely she wanted him as well.
All of her friends stuck up their nose.
They had a problem with his baggy clothes.
He was a sk8er boi
She said see ya later boi.
He wasn't good enough for her.
She had a pretty face but her head was up in space.
She needed to come back down to earth.
Five years from now she sits at home feeding the baby she's all alone.
She turns on TV and guess who she sees.
Sk8er boi rocking on MTV.
She calls up her friends, they already know
They've all got tickets to see his show.
She tags along, stands in the crowd .
Looks up at the man that she turned down.
He was a sk8er boi she said see ya later boi.
He wasn't good enough for her.
Now he's a superstar slammin on his guitar
Does your pretty face see what he's worth?
Sorry girl but you missed out.
Well tough luck that boi's mine now.
We are more than just good friends.
This is how the story ends.
Too bad that you couldn't see.. see the man that boi could be.
There is more than meets the eye, I see the soul that is inside.
He's just a boi, and I'm just a girl.
Can I make it anymore obvious?
We are in love.
Haven't you heard how we rock each other's world?
I met the sk8er boi
I said see ya later boi.
I'll be backstage after the show.
I'll be at the studio singing the song he wrote about a girl he use to know.
I met the sk8er boi I said see ya later boi.
I'll be backstage after the show.
I'll be at the studio singing the song he wrote about a girl he use to know.




I don't want this to happen to me. In English class yesterday, we had to write a journal about who we feel safe with or where we feel safe, and when does others's ideas of safety cause harm, or potential harm, to us. In my journal, I talked about how my friends's and family's idea of who I should date or not date should not neccessarily be my guide. I need to find out for myself who I want to date. I'm not going to let them dictate that for me. I don't want to lose my sk8er boi, whoever he may be.

This is how I feel sometimes....

Well I'll be damned
Here comes your ghost again
But that's not unusual
It's just that the moon is full
And you happened to call
And here I sit
Hand on the telephone
Hearing a voice I'd known
A couple of light years ago
Heading straight for a fall
As I remember your eyes
Were bluer than robin's eggs
My poetry was lousy you said
Where are you calling from?
A booth in the midwest
Ten years agoI bought you some cufflinks
You brought me something
We both know what memories can bring
They bring diamonds and rust

Well you burst on the scene
Already a legend
The unwashed phenomenon
The original vagabond
You strayed into my arms
And there you stayed
Temporarily lost at sea
The Madonna was yours for
the girl on the half-shell
Could keep you unharmed
Now I see you standing
With brown leaves falling around
And snow in your hair
Now you're smiling out the window
Of that crummy hotel
Over Washington Square
Our breath comes out white clouds
Mingles and hangs in the air
Speaking strictly for me
We both could have died then and there
Now you're telling meYou're not nostalgic
Then give me another word for it
You who are so good with words
And at keeping things vague
Because I need some of that vagueness now
It's all come back too clearly
Yes I loved you dearly
And if you're offering me diamonds and rust
I've already paid





The past is so familiar
But that's why you couldn't stay
Too many ghosts, too many haunted dreams
Besides you were built to find your own way
But after all these years, I thought we'd still hold on
But when I reach for you and search your eyes I see you've already gone
That's okay
I'll be fine
I've got myself, I'll heal in time
But when you leave just remember what we had
There's more to life than just you
I may cry but I'll make it through
And I know that the sun will shine again
Though I may think of you now and then

Can't do a thing with ashes
But throw them to the wind
Though this heart may be in pieces now
You know I'll build it up again and
I'll come back stronger than I ever did before
Just don't turn around when you walk out that door
That's okay
I'll be fine
I've got myself, I'll heal in time
But when you leave just remember what we had
There's more to life than just you
I may cry but I'll make it through
And even though our story's at the end
I will still think of you now and then...

What is Performance Studies?

When most people hear the words “performance studies”, they automatically think of theatre. After all, is performing plays, musicals, and even poetry not the heart of theatre? Yet performance studies encompasses not only theatre, but all areas of life.
To define performance studies, one must first define performance. “The word performance derives from a Latin root meaning ‘to furnish forth’" (Jackson). Performing is an action verb. It is a showing. When thought of in a theatrical sense, it is measured qualitatively, but performance can also be measured quantitatively, as in how well a piece of equipment or person performs its job. Performance has a purpose and an objective, has a clear beginning, middle, and end, is repeatable, and affects people spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.
Performance studies then includes theatre, dance, poetry, personal narrative, culture, identities, political positions, communication, creative expression, audience interpretation, everyday actions, religion, technology, public speaking, literature, and gender studies. Performance studies, then, is a broad, open topic, covering not only the visual arts topics, but also the everyday and international.
Schechner breaks performance down into seven categories. He says, “Ritual is one of several activities related to theater. The others are play, games, sports, dance, and music. […] Together these seven comprise the public performance activities of humans” (6). He then outlines qualities that they all share: time, objects with a special meaning, non-productivity, and rules. There are three different types of time: event time, set time, and symbolic time. Theatre utilizes event time and symbolic time. Other performances, however, also utilize set time (Schechner 6). While it is relatively easy to define theatre, performance studies defies definition because it is constantly being expanded and reinvented. The root word of theatre means “a place for viewing” in Greek, while the root word for performance means “to furnish forth” (Jackson). Theatre, therefore, connotes watching, while performance connotes doing. Performance studies is a way of questioning and exploring the world and discovering more about it and oneself. Theatre is certainly a part of this process, but it can only go so far. The rest of performance studies is required to develop a well-rounded worldview.
Performance studies covers more than merely theatre. It covers every aspect of life, from getting ready in the morning to the presidential election. It helps people see the world in a different light and discover more about themselves.

Major Update

Well, for those of you who read my blog, AKA no one I'm sure, I am finally back. After many moons, I have returned to get out all my angst.

I had an excuse for being gone. It was the end of the school year, and I was really busy with school and work. Then school was over and work calmed down, and I never came back. I just never felt like writing. But I do right now and I'm ready to spill my guts. Prepare yourself for a long rambling post.

School ended up ending fine. Math was a major stresser, but I maintained my grade, which was what I wanted. Theatre was stressful too, with 2 scenes for my final instead of the normal 1 that the rest of the class (minus 1 person) was doing. It all turned out well, and I got a B in the class, which made me happy. A theatre friend asked me out, which stressed me out, me being the innocent naive girl that I am. Thankfully, everything got straightened out, and we are still friends.

Meanwhile, David was becoming increasingly distant, not talking to me online (he made it so no one would know he was online, presumably so he didn't have to talk to us). WE went to the Ren Fest (his birthday present to me), but he seemed a bit distant. Eventually it got to the point that I had to talk to him, and we broke up. He says he realized he needs to mature some more and doesn't want to date while he's working on it. He says he does want to get back with me, but after about a month, I think that I don't want to, unless he changes a lot of stuff. The whole way he's handled this has made me upset and I've realized he's not the amazing guy I had him set up as. Don't get me wrong, I don't think he's a bad person, he's just not as great as I thought he was. He is in fact a fallen person. As am I. And I've been reading Wild at Heart, a book about discovering a man's heart. It's technically written for men, but it's helpful for women to understand men better. It's been very interesting and helpful. It made me realize I want a guy like they describe in the book. I'm not going to settle for just anyone. Not that I did with David, I just want to be more selective next time. I don't know if I'm making any sense, but I sure love getting my thoughts out of my head and onto paper, or in this case, onto the computer screen.

I fully respect David's decision, but I am upset with him for a few different reasons. Number 1: he just left me hanging. He wouldn't talk to me for over a month! He should have said something earlier instead of just leaving me to worry. Number 2: he's still pretty much leaving me hanging. He says he wants to be friends and hang out and such, but he rarely talks to me. How are we supposed to be friends if he won't talk to me? One night, I was trying to talk to him. He asked me to hold on for a minute while he helped Greta with something. An hour later, he signed off without ever talking to me. Frankly, I think he's being rude and I am rather upset.

So after Daivd and I break up, I find a friend on facebook who I haven't seen in a while. So we become friends, then we start chatting, and soon we start hanging out. I figured out pretty quickly that he likes me, and today he finally asked me out on a date. Now, he's a great guy who I love to talk to, but I am not interested in him that way. Maybe it's because of David, because frankly I'm still not sure where I stand with him and how I feel. But I also don't want to get into a relationship right now. So for now at least, we're gonna be just friends and continue watching movies, playing tennis, and shooting arrows. :D

What's Wrong?

He hasn't been on g-chat for about a week. I went to youth group yesterday, partly to lead prayer group, but mostly to see him. He gave me a hug when he saw me and a hug when I left. It between then, I hardly got to talk to him. When ultimate frisbee was announced, I knew any chance of hanging with him was gone. Today, I dropped Greta off at home and came in for a bit. He didn't say anything while I was there, except goodbye when he left for band practice.

What's wrong? Why won't he talk to me? He says he hasn't been on g-chat because he's been trying to finish school (he's homeschooled). When he finishes, we will officially be dating. My mom thinks he's using that as an excuse. I hope not, but I can't be sure. But whatever's going on, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to handle it.

Web Design

I love how he shows me his websites. He even asks my opinion about them! I'm so glad I took that web design class senior year. My knowledge is no where near as high as his, but at least I understand to some degree what he's doing. But he actually thinks my opinion is worth something! It makes me feel special. :)

Missing Him

I miss him. I miss his hugs and his arms around my waist. I even miss him tickling me.

Six days. I have to wait 6 days before I see him again, then 2 weeks!! He won't be here for the next swing dance (2 days before my birthday), and so he'll miss my birthday dance. And he missed the last dance because he's sick. We haven't been able to make it to a dancce together in quite a while. Ok, he was at the one a month ago, but he was stuck in traffic and didn't make it until the last hour, half-hour. Then neither of us made it the 2 months previous. Why is this happening to me!?! Right around my birthday.

I miss him. Very much.

Who Am I?

Who am I? That's a good question. I am a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter, a friend. One of the biggest, and most important, facets of who I am is I am a Christian. I love God and seek His will for my life. I am a library technician and a student. This is where it gets tricky though. I may be all these things, but what is my thing? Where's my nook? My best friend's thing is art. Her brother, my boyfriend, is a computer and bagpipe person. Her boyfriend's thing is music, business, and statistics. He actually has quite a few things. Another friend has music and teaching. But what is my thing? I thought it was English. I love literature and have always been a rabid reader. I love to write, though I confess I'm not that great. I'm good at grammar, although I don't like it. I'm fond of poetry, although pretty incapable of writing it. But I thought, I could be an editor and put those grammar skills to work, while getting to read loves of books. Sounds perfect!

I got into college, and had to take either music, art, or theatre appreciation. I always liked theatre, but that was always another friend's nook. But I heard horror stories of music appreciatin, and I have absolutely no drawing skills. So off to theatre appreciation it was! And I loved it. Next semester, as l picked out my classes, I decided to sign up for another theatre class, one where I actually got to act. A little over a week ago, we had a guest teacher from Ireland. He runs the Gaiety School of Acting over there in Dublin. There's a study abroad opportunity to study there for a month. I would love to do it. And I realize, theatre is coming to an end. But I don't want it to. I have always enjoyed being in plays, even though I never get a major role. And a brilliant thought comes into my head. I can major in theatre and performance studies. Suddenly my world is thrown upside down. I know this is a major decision I need to think, and pray, about. I tell my best friend what I'm considering. She tells me she always thought I should be a theatre major. I had no idea! She had never said anything before.

Oh, and by the way, I had failed my English class last semester. It was completely unlike any English class I had ever had before, and I didn't know how to handle it.

I tell my parents about it. They don't think I should do it. My friends are supportive (my boyfriend didn't have a comment, but I'm sure he'll support whatever decision I make), but still I am unsure. So now I have to decide: am I an English person, or a theatre person? Which am I better at? Am I even good at them? Is this where I belong? Can I make a living from acting? That's my parent's concern. English is safe. I'm tired of being safe. I want to take a risk. I want to defy gravity. Spread my wings and fly.